Hi my fellow moms/supporters!
I’ll start by thanking each and every one of you for taking time to take a look and listen into my blog and accompany me as I journey through the life of “motherhood”. I hope every lesson shared helps you just as much as it helped me.
…and what better topic to start with than my induction into the “Mommy Mob”!
Before February 13, 2009, I was Veronica the daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, godmother and friend. But on that day at 7:34am, I was honored to receive the title of “mom”. To tell you the truth, I was not 100% ready with the idea of becoming someone’s mother. I was only 21 with a mind to live a carefree life devoted to new electronics, weekend fun and more clothes than I could count. The idea of accepting responsibility for another life was frightening, but seemed like something that could be done with my best friend/boyfriend there with me through it. As I saw it, the three of us would live a great life filled with great fun and great love.
July 29, 2008 shook every bit of plan that I had for life. As much as I wanted Brendan here with me, I had to come to terms with the reality that God wanted him more. In my first trimester, Brendan, my daughter’s father, was in a head on collision with a train, killing him instantly. Just like that, I became a single parent. One filled with hurt, anger and plenty of questions.
The receipt of the news, and all of it’s surrounding drama, was almost too much for me to bear. It felt like almost instantly I became overwhelmingly bitter and angry with the world. At that time, my resentment caused me to refuse to speak to any male simply because Brendan was not here; no matter the relationship. Thankfully, I had my family to help me through this trying time but I still had questions: What happened? Why him? What did I do to deserve this?! The tormenting questions circled in my mind through and through. After many thoughts and many prayers, I was able to pull myself together and face the fact that I would be raising a child who would never know her father. No matter how I felt about it, no matter how wrong I believed it to be; this was my new reality.
Once I decided to try to get my mind wrapped around this new plan for life (or at least decided to plan to try to wrap my mind around it), it took a second or two for my body to follow suit. Throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, I was not able to eat, nor was I taking the best care of myself as I should've for a woman in my “condition”. I was losing weight and the doctors were concerned for my safety and the safety of my child. My social nature just about vanished. I would stay in my room for days at a time in the same spot, moving only to use the bathroom or force myself to eat. All of my favorite activities did not appeal to me as they once did and I cried uncontrollably day and night wishing for nothing more than Brendan being there with me.
I was in my last trimester and was told by the doctors that my pregnancy would be “smooth sailing’” from here on out. A few hours into the night of February 12, my contractions were coming at a rapid speed. The excitement that I gained for her arrival quickly turned to fear when I learned that with each contraction my child was losing oxygen. The doctors told me that at the rate things were going, my baby girl would not be able to swallow, hear, or do any type of normal functions when she got here.
Along with the emotions that I already had moving through my mind about Brendan not being here, fear came. Now I added worry about having to raise a child with many complications to the plate! I was so angry with God and did not understand why He would put me through yet another trial in my life when I barely faced trial #1 with Brendan. At the doctor’s instruction, I had an emergency c-section. My baby girl was born perfectly heathy at 6 pounds 12 oz; crying, screaming, sucking and cooing like any other normal child.
I had some type of relief knowing that she was going to be just fine, but as I looked over to my left, I noticed my mother there and began to cry because I wanted Brendan to see his daughter. After she was born my life then became in danger and all of my sats were declining from my oxygen, heart rate to my blood pressure. Not knowing what was going on, all I could hear was my mother calling my name in panic and fear because I was not responding to her. After my sats became stable again, I was able to hold my baby girl for the first time with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.
A few days passed by and it was now time for me to bring home my daughter. I was so excited and nervous at the same time because I did not know if I was really up for the challenge of being someone’s mother. Months went by, the fan-fare died down and visits from friends/family became shorter, but I still had to raise this little girl on my own. No matter how many books I read to help me become a new mom nothing would prepare me for what was ahead.
and now I had to take care of someone who solely depended on me for any and everything! Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret having my daughter but at that time I had no idea what I was about to get myself into! When my daughter was born I just stared at her so confused as to why I was here at this moment by myself, no father to welcome her into this world and no one to build a family with. The day the doctors took her out of my womb was the day my life changed forever.